Admittedly, I sort of forgot I had a blog... and then, when I remembered, it just so happen to be where I realized that my laptop is complete and utter crap. Writing on any word document or blog site was downright terrible; what should take only 30 minutes would take an hour and 20 minutes due to my computer glitching.
But, I cleaned up my laptop as best as I could and, so far tonight after getting a 4 page final paper done, nothing detrimental has happened to stress out my writing process. So... I think I can start doing blog posts again- or at least for tonight.
So... as I shared on my cosplay page on December 13, the following picture brought forth an interesting idea to share a sort of self-reflective look on how I cosplay, how I view cosplay for myself, and all sorts of things related to that. Here is the picture I'm talking about:
This picture was brought to my attention a long time ago but it was shared again recently by the Facebook page, Heroes United Against Cosplay Bullying. Though I am not 100% positive on who made this brilliant picture, it has been shared by many cosplay pages and I shared it yet again, as stated, on December 13.
Which brings me to my interesting story I'm about to tell. Please read every word so as to not be confused by who I am now... I'm admitting some things about myself that I have worked past and do not represent anymore:
My Start In Cosplay
In order to understand my story, you have to know where I started. I didn't even know of the term "cosplay" at first and I don't even remember when I first learned it. I just know there was a time when I didn't know and now I do. I didn't go to my first convention until August 2010 and I was closet cosplaying all 3 days.
By the summer of 2011, I was a fresh out of high school, had finally opened my own bank account, and had a substantial amount of graduation money to spend (that, yea, I probably should have saved for college; but hindsight is 20/20 right?). And what was I looking to blow it on?
A convention.
Of course.
Ikasucon 2011 would be the first convention I went to with just my friends (no "adults", or- uh, adultier adults). My first time buying my own badge, booking my own hotel, going to an out-of-state convention, my first "homemade" cosplay, and... unbeknownst to me, my first cosplay competition.
I had taken half a year of "clothing and textiles" in high school so I knew the basics of a sewing machine but I did not own one- and I wouldn't own one until Christmas later that year. So I worked with my neighbor- a pretty decent seamstress- and made my first 'real cosplay'... or at least the one I equate it to: Miku Hatsune!
I was super excited to cosplay Miku- aside from the fact I did enjoy her and her songs, I knew she would be recognizable and I could meet so many more people this way than I did in 2010.
I went with 3 other friends and had just a blast during the first day of Ikasucon.
Then the Saturday rolled around and the fun didn't stop- I met even more Vocaloid fans and got to waltz with a Kaito in the dealer's room. I loved it.
We were just wandering around as a group when we found the pre-judging for the cosplay competition. The door was open, no one was in there being judged, and- at this time- it was just a walk in registration. So we did. We thought "why the heck not!"
We had no plans going in to Ikasucon to enter the competition- it wasn't until that day that we thought about it.
Upon entering, we were charismatic and excited. Two of us in the group were around for the construction of the costumes so we spoke what we could on them, letting the judges know that we had help and/or didn't make them ourselves.
We left as we came in- just happy to be there and talk about cosplay (and Vocaloids).
When we came back for the competition, we found we were called up at the awards ceremony for a Judge's Award. We were super happy and shocked. This little recognition of our efforts is what pushed me and my cosplay partner since, Ragdoll Prints, into cosplay construction even more.
Cosplay Competitions- 2011-2014
We never entered any other convention's cosplay competition aside from Ikasucon. We figured that, since it was our start and we felt most comfortable there, we would stick with there.
In 2012, we won Honorable Mention for our Panty & Stocking group (no full group photo available, so here is me and Panty)
In 2013, it was just Ragdoll Prints and me as Sakuyamon & Beelzemon to win another Judge's Award:
And in 2014, it was another group effort with our Black Rock Shooter (the OVA version) gang winning a runner-up spot in 'Large Construction' for obvious reasons:
These small wins motivated and pushed me. The win in 2012 was what made me do Sakuyamon, and then Sakuyamon made me want to do Black Rock Shooter. I was in the mind set of "bigger and better" in order to win.
There was my first red flag but I didn't think anything of it.
While that was part of my mind set, I also was cosplaying characters I do love and relate to- not just for the shock and awe factor of attention.
The Loss In 2014 And 2015
While my BRS group did take home a win at Ikasucon in 2014, I had the courage to enter another convention's competition in the March of 2014 (about 4 months before Ikasucon).
I brought Sakuyamon with me to Animarathon 2014. I was positive that I'd bring home something for my awesome Digimon- but I was wrong. I left Animarathon without any award and this severely affected me.
I began to equate my loss to "oh, well I didn't do well in the judging. I got nervous so I didn't really tell them all that went into it." Instead of the fact that I was up against cosplayers who brought costumes with craftsmanship that just out-shined my own- I wasn't going to win on nostalgia alone.
While this loss did loom in the back of my mind, I continued to meet amazing people who were just excited to see a Digimon cosplayer during a time where Digimon was almost forgotten. This cheered me up and I brushed it off.
In 2015 (this year, of course), I entered at 2 conventions that were not Ikasucon- Shumatsucon and Animarathon again- this time as Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne for both.
I left both these conventions with no awards. Though my skit group at Animarathon did an amazing job (and probably would have won the skits category if it wasn't for pesky audio problems), I was very concerned now.
Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne is where I thought I made a vast amount of improvement as a craftsmanship cosplayer. I am super proud of this cosplay and was almost positive on some sort of recognition- but there was none. I almost equated this to "well, no one knows who Jeanne is" but then I stopped.
I knew it was because, in comparison to the craftsmanship shown at these conventions, I was not of a winning type. And that was fine.
But then the real punch to the gut hit at Ikasucon 2015... where Ragdoll Prints and I entered as Black Lady and Queen Nehelenia.
Not for the fact that I thought my Nehelenia cosplay was super amazing, but for the idea that I was not prepared to receive nothing at Ikasucon- a place where we've placed somewhere for 4 years.
But... by this time, I knew what was wrong.
It was not my craftsmanship- though that could always use improving and I'm making efforts every day to put my best skill forward.
No.
It was myself.
I had become so concerned with any sort of winning recognition that I forgot the very feeling that brought me into the pre-judging rooms in the first place.
The fun. The excitement. The will to just talk about a costume that you put so much work into and to just be happy to be there to represent your character.
I forgot that every loss is not a sign that you suck as a cosplayer and should discourage you. And I wouldn't even consider them a "loss".
No.
I chose to rethink what an award was.
An award to me now is a small declaration that- during that particular con, against those particular craftsmanship contestants in your particular category, and under the evaluation of that particular group of judges- you presented a costume that was done well enough to be brought back on stage and congratulated for it.
And, if you do not get a small declaration that contest, it is not that you failed. You had the guts and determination to go up there in the first place. You should take every contest- win or lose- and use that as motivation to keep going.
Never stop improving. Never stop thinking about what you could do better but also never over-criticize yourself!
I entered Nehelenia again at Matsuricon 2015 and did not place. And, by that time, I thought nothing of it. I knew what I wanted to improve (the jewelry and wig) but I also knew that I am super proud of this costume and probably would never enter it into another competition. I've contemplated remaking it entirely but... I also told myself I wouldn't. We'll see where that leads me into the future...
But, I gave myself a limit of "enter 1 costume twice and that's it". Basically sitting myself down and saying: Stop trying to beg for an award on one particular costume and put forth that effort into making another banging costume. And, if I desperately want to know what I should improve on with that particular costume, go ask the judges after the competition. Majority of contests will allow you to see and/or have your judging sheet and talk with you.
My View On Cosplay (In Regards To The Picture)
And this whole story is only part of my self-reflected response about the picture shared!!
But, TL;DR version:
1) I don't view my "likes" on my cosplay page as "fans" and I don't even feel I have fans (nor do I really want any). The only reason I get upset about the loss of likes is because I feel like I lost people to talk to and share cosplay progress with. I feel I lost friends or acquaintances that I would love to hear from. I view my "likes" as people to connect with because I love meeting new people. I'm a rather social person.
2) Awards should only be used as means to motivate yourself when you are stuck in a place where you don't feel you're good enough. Awards should inspire you but never tear you down. And I do know that they can be somewhat important credential plugs when it comes to running your own cosplay commission business but please don't ever become obsessed with winning.
3) It doesn't matter how many cosplays you can do in a month or year. Don't feel bad if you can only do one a year! Cosplay is expensive and no one should expect you to pump them out like a factory.
4) Unless you're a cosplay judge at a contest or people openly ask you for critique on a costume, you can only really judge yourself. And don't force your personal expectations for yourself on to others. Not everyone cosplays for the same reason you do.
5) You should definitely look into trying new things and broadening your horizons. Try to learn all you can- mess with worbla, hand-sew some beads, style a wig. But, above all, don't be discouraged if it doesn't turn out right the first time (or first few) and don't feel bad if you just don't care for that aspect. You don't have to be a master in everything. Buy your accessories from a store on Etsy, commission a prop maker, or buy a pre-styled wig. Don't let the pressure of having to be able to sew an elaborate ballgown AND make a suit of armor get to you- because you don't have to. I'm all for trying new things and testing yourself but don't sweat it if you find it's just not for you!
6) Don't feel you have to spend $200+ on every costume. The cost will come as you do. I rarely pay attention to the total cost or set a budget (which I probably should honestly). Don't think you have to use the best fabric- you'd be surprised at some of the awesome work I've seen done with broadcloth or costume satin. And don't feel you have to do something crazy elaborate or detailed- do simpler costumes, break up your routine if that's the case. A bunch of simpler costumes may motivate you and allow you to improve without you realizing it. It is interesting to keep track of your investments though- such as materials- cause you can always order them again for another project if you enjoyed them!
Definitely: make friends, make memories, push yourself, and have fun!!
While I will always be a craftsmanship competing cosplayer, I will always remember this moving forward!!
My hopeful next Ikasucon competition costume will be Medusa from Petshop of Horrors:
(And I didn't pick her because she was "bigger and better" than Nehelenia... but primarily for the fact I LOVE her; I love Petshop of Horrors ((if you've never read it, do it. Or if you want to watch it, they only did 4 episodes of the series but Medusa's was one of them!)); Ikasucon is small enough where I can comfortably move around in a snake tail; and I really want to showcase some Matsuri Akino realness.)
